SLUT

I’m (a) slut. Yes I am!

In Swedish slut means exhausted/over/finished/the end/closed. Me and everything else is slut, big time. Gosh I am slut.

Being back in Paradise I already miss:

Being called darling in Sainsbury’s
No one will ever call me “love” when I’m paying for loo rolls in Konsum.

Being 1 of 7500000
I’m now 1 of 100000. Everyone knows each other in Stockholm. It’s a bit strange.
I forgot that Stockholm is so small. It takes 10min on the tube from the city to my friend who lives in the suburbs.

Being the most good looking person in a country
It was very good for my self-confidence to live in England for so long. Here in Sweden, the country of babes, everyone looks just like me.

Boots
They have a pill or a cream for everything. You can go in and say: Hi I have a tummy ache and my pinky toe is hurting on my left foot, and they will have a pill for it. Amazing!

Bus 137

Clapham Common (my hood)

English TV programmes
We don’t have chavs in Sweden so “Ladette to a Lady” would never work here. And all properties are already done up to the best living standard available so no “Property ladder” either.

Home delivery of Take Aways
Doesn’t exist in Sweden. England 1 – Sweden 0.

My flat/home
It hurts so much…

My lovely, lovely neighbours
They arranged tea parties, popped a lot of champagne corks on more then one occasion and we cried together when I left. I don’t think I’ll ever have neighbours like the ones I had in No 47.

Nightclubs
Clubs in London are by far much better then the ones you will find in Sweden. Don’t be too surprised if you see me dancing on the tables in a club in South Kensington very soon, probably eating lobster too (not at the same time). It’s what I do these days of unemployment. Very naughty!

Pheasant hunting (of course)

Posh People
There are no people that can be as posh as the Brits. You are so sweet with your accents, titles, foxhunting and red trousers. I’ll never become a Lady now.

Shopping

Speaking English
It feels very weird that everyone around me is talking Swedish. I’m still talking English especially when I drink too much.

This is some of the words I’ve used in Swinglish much to the amusement of my Swedish friends:
*Skinncancer – skin cancer
*Nätgardin – net curtain (no one has net curtains in Sweden so it doesn’t really matter)
*Ockuperad – occupied; possessed, obsessed (du har ju varit ockuperad på senaste tiden)
*Ta ett annat glas [vin] – Have another glass
*Fräsch – fresh (limpan är fräsch)
*Du är välkommen – you are welcome (varsågod)
*Sätta upp – set up (Sätta upp ett företag)
*Stanna – stay (vi stannade alltid på det hotellet)

Work
On my last day at work my boss announced that the corner of the office where I used to sit will be forever Sweden.

I left England on the 29th of February. Just before I left I saw myself in the mirror standing there with a Hermès scarf around my neck, the new Louis Vuitton belt and my favourite pair of Tod’s on my feet. I thought: I am a snob, I am Swedish.

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4 Responses to “SLUT”

  1. Jejlan Says:

    Min favvo blogg är tillbaka 🙂

  2. Lisa Says:

    Dirty old men that google “swedish slut” end up here, its so funny!

  3. Swede Hurt Says:

    oh, this rocks, I am so scared, I am moving back to Sweden in September, after 5 years of exile.
    How will this ever end??

  4. Lisa Says:

    It’s very strange to be back as nothing is what it was when I left.

    All my friends have babies and are married, I’ve forgotten all the street names and need a map to get around, I’m not 25, I almost get killed every time I cross the street, I’m homeless and clueless.

    When I’m bitter I think when I left I had everything and now I have absolutely nothing. I’m like a modern bum; I go from one place to another, eat dinner where it’s served and everything I own is in my bag and I sleep on sofas.

    I wish you all the best on your return to Sweden, don’t be scared just look twice when you cross the road.

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